…and what I’m learning to do instead
Self-abandonment does not always look dramatic.
Sometimes, it is quiet. Tiny. Almost invisible.
It can hide in saying yes too quickly, apologising before we know what we feel, laughing things off, waiting to be chosen, or making other people’s emotions more important than our own.
These are five small ways I began to notice where I was leaving myself — and what I am slowly learning to do instead.
1. Saying “I’m fine” when I wasn’t
It was easier than explaining.
Easier than being a burden.
But it left me feeling invisible—even to myself.
What I’m learning:
There’s a difference between being strong and being silent. Honesty is a bridge, not a weakness.
Related post: The Paper-Cuts of Self-Abandonment
2. Agreeing just to keep the peace
I said yes to plans I didn’t want.
Laughed at jokes that hurt.
Bit my tongue in the name of “harmony.”
What I’m learning:
Peace that costs me my voice isn’t peace—it’s erasure.
Related post: Living By Unwritten Scripts: A Soft Rebellion
3. Apologizing for having needs
“I’m sorry, I just…”
“Sorry to bother you, but…”
I softened myself into near-invisibility.
What I’m learning:
My needs aren’t a nuisance. They’re human.
Related post: Coming Out of My Own Silence
4. Waiting to be chosen
In love.
In work.
Even in friendship.
I didn’t name what I wanted—I just hoped someone else would see me and say, “You belong.”
What I’m learning:
Choosing myself isn’t selfish. It’s sacred.
Related post: Longing as Soul Compass
5. Making others’ emotions more important than mine
I monitored the moods in every room.
Kept things light.
Smoothed the ripples.
And somewhere in all that, I drowned.
What I’m learning:
Being attuned is beautiful—unless it’s only turned outward.
Related post: Left-Over Love
Final Thought
Self-abandonment is rarely loud.
It’s often stitched into the seams of daily life.
But unlearning it?
That begins with tiny acts of remembering—
that I am here. That I am allowed. That I matter.
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In Tenderness,
A. J. Ashé | Being Human
A few quiet doors remain open:
Ask the Archive if you arrived with a feeling. Visit the Library if you want to wander. Step toward The Bookshelf if you’re looking for companions beyond the page.
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